All in all, I just feel really conflicted.

If you think about it, a lot of the worst problems in life are self inflicted. We set up these expectations for ourselves, follow societal norms (or completely go against them, which in a way is still following a doctrine), try to do what we think we should. We assign attachment and meaning to things that matter in the external world which then become meaningful to us as independent beings by relation. As a person who considers herself Buddhist, I struggle with these concepts and how to remain sane since I live in the modern world. If I lived in the Tibetan monastery, maybe it would be easier to live without too many worldly possessions and attachment. I would maybe even have time to contemplate my place amongst it all. I, however, am a woman of my time; I care about the fixtures in my life and I care about them deeply.

Fixtures doesn’t necessarily pertain to objects. I care about people. My attachment leads me to being heartbroken this very second.

I don’t know if I’ve finally seen enough death, gore, despair and sadness to finally crack my shell. I don’t know if I have that limit. I really don’t know. This depression is a downward spiral and I am a little worried about myself to be honest. The point that my Papa is worried about me makes me even more concerned.

Normally the sunshine in my life comes from within. I think that’s why my friends generally like to be around me (that’s what I’ve been told) and it’s one thing that I’ve always appreciated about myself. I’ve never really got upset over things. Sure, I might have cried, said the right things. I usually balanced the crappy occurrences in life by saying to myself, “but look at all these other things I have going great in my life!” It’s not working right now. That’s not to say it never will, it’s just not currently. I do still have some hope.

The biggest problem I think is that I’m getting irritated at myself for being so weak. I want to have more self control. I need it. I used to have it and taking that control away from myself is indescribably frustrating.

I have this internal fight going where one part of my psyche is horribly sad, self-pitying and remorseful. It wonders why we’re here, what the point is of surviving those that are missed and gone. It feels like I don’t deserve the great things happening in my life because I never work hard enough, never care enough, never do enough. It says that I can want all the best things in the world, but it’s pointless and I’m a failure. This part doesn’t usually exist in my mind and it’s appearance is unsettling. Another part of me is pissed that the former exists. It’s the confident, prideful and strong side that wants me to just brush it off and move on. It’s frustrated that I can’t. In fact, it’s angry. Yet another part is begging me to love myself, take some time to sort through my feelings. It wants me to accept that they are there, acknowledge them and let them be. It wants me to not be upset by them. The sad part says there’s no point. It stalks me when I sleep, when I close my eyes, when I’m feeling alone. The angry part bullies me when I finally manage to get away from the loneliness. The loving part is a pacifist and won’t fight for me. All of these feelings and thoughts are happening simultaneously and in an unrelenting fashion.

I love myself. I want to be okay. I just don’t have time to deal with it. I don’t know how without letting everyone else and anything I care about fall by the wayside.

All in all, I just feel really conflicted.